Oye Mummy Mummy Oye!

Heya Buugers, you guyz just don't go away do you? Mighty brave of me to say that, considering I force most of you to read my blog :P. But then, thats me for you...or wait, those are just my mothers genes. First she tells me to do something, and then tells me off for doing the same. Just the other day, the day my exams ended, she asked me whether I had plans to go on a trip or something. I assumed that she wanted me to go and made plans with friends for a holiday to Jim Corbett. The day before yesterday I told her about my plans and here is what transpired -

Mom - Now you've grown so much that you don't need to ask permission?
Me - But you were the one who asked me about it!
Mom - I never allowed you to go anywhere. Dont lie!
Me - But...
Mom -But nothing. Kahin nahi jana. Ghar pe baitho. Tumhe trip pe bhi jana hai, tumhe laptop bhi chahiye, tumhe Bass tubes bhi lagwani hain.................n(It continued for quite a while) .

Yeah, I know. Story of every Indians life :P. She did relent after much coaxing and cajoling, but left me wondering where I was wrong. Mothers! But don't I just love her :D. I wasn't really planning on writing about her, but since I've written so much already, I might as well.



The other day she was talking to Rashi Mami and telling her that I never listen to what she says. Now, Rashi mami is a typical Punjabi lady who makes something trivial look like it is important enough to be discussed at the G20 summit (not that anything important was discussed there :P). She told my mom that nowadays all kids consider themselves rebels, and I was sitting right across the table with my mouth agape. Rebel? The closest I've come to being rebellious was watching PG-13 movies at the age of 12.

But thats only the one side of her. When she starts praising me in front of relatives it's even more preposterous! Sometimes it is so absurd I have to make sure she is not jesting. But that doesn't stop my chest from swelling a couple inches. On Bhaiya Dooj, I remember her telling anyone who would listen how brave I'd become. I immediately thought about how I wait till the last second for cutting off the gas to the tea vessel. So courageous...Makes you feel like a bomb squad member.

But alas, what would I have done without her. You know even this interest to read books and write blogs comes from my mother. She owns almost 500 books! She has read them all. Me and my sister have read about 50 of those if we add our scores :P.
Life just wouldn't have been worth living without Mummy, the most important person in my life.

FART CONTROL!

Hey! Holla at you scuzzes. Now don't feel bad alright? Coz nobody cares anyway. I've been studying since morning and I had some free time so I thought I'd bug you people some more. You know there is something I realized recently and I want to share those ultimate findings with all you people. WE EAT MORE WHILE STUDYING. Like really, do some 12 hours of studying in a day at home. You'll consume calories faster than a fat hooker who sat down too fast. Invariably that leads to another one of my ultimate breakthroughs. WE FART MORE WHILE STUDYING! Hah! Errmm, some of you didn't want to know that, did you? You old geezers can never be thankful. But coming back to the issue, I woke up at 7 this morning and eased into a pattern of studying, eating and farting, and then farting some more, when I remembered that as a kid, I used to have distinctions for farts.



Basically, there were three types of farts (You can never tell about evolution, maybe more fart species have evolved. I'm just saying.) The first one was called 'Gaffaarr'. Now, as the name suggests, these category of farts were the explosive ones. I mean vuvuzelas would have jealously bitched about Gaffaarrs to their mommies. As for making you suffocate, most were not fatal, but some of them were extremely calamitous. The second category was 'Yusuff'. Most of you can guess about these ones from the name. Yes, Ladies and Gentleman, these were the silent assassins.
Like assassins, they made no noise at all but when released, they destroy the nose and completely immobilize the brain. A single one of these could take a big crowd all by itself, when released in an enclosed environment. The third category was 'Abdul'. These were the queefy farts. They made little pop noise and lastED for just one second. These were wannabe farts that wanted to be both Gaffaarr and Yusuff but could be none. There was also a sub category, 'Sharts'. These happened particularly during loose motions and are the only reason people get frightened even at the thought of farting during loose motions.

Gaffaarrs were popular among the old and middle aged men and even heavy duty Punjabi aunties too. The silent killers were strangely popular among skinny girls. These were most hated. 'Abdul' were the saviors for those who preferred to be casual about their business :P. And hey! All you girls thinking what a disgusting post this is, just understand that this is natures exotic process and in your heart you know that you do it too :P.

This was a very enlightening post for all of you schmucks. I will let you ponder over the deep meaning concealed in this very thoughtful post. Teehee!

PS:- No intention to hurt any sentiments. The names of the farts were invariably Muslim names but please understand this was a childhood joke and nothing else. I dont want anyone to feel bad. Please vote on the poll to help me write the next post :P.

What should the next post be about?

• Ghosts
• Delhi(CWG)
• Cricket
• Random thoughts
• Past Experiences
• Fiction

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The Inside Story

Yo...Waddup people? How you doin? Been long eh? Well...I've been busy...I'm not jobless like you people, I got work to do and billions to earn. Hey now, I was kidding. Not about you being jobless of-course (you wouldn't argue now, would you?) but about me earning billions :P. Come to think of it, been an year since I last posted here. Its reeking so much you could fart to make it smell better :P. Much has passed though, but lets just talk about whats been recently happening and whats gonna happen.



Lets start with COMMONWEALTH GAMES! Just 44 days left...Wow...this is gonna be something big for Delhi, even for India! I'm really hopeful even though theres so much ambiguity surrounding it all. First of all for the media, you are not as bad as everyone said you are, you are much, MUCH WORSE! I mean...what are they doing? Trying to sabotage the games? Each and every issue not even having the minutest relevance to the games would be highlighted to generate negative publicity in the name of public awareness! 'Girl murdered 3kms from Games Village, indicates lack of security', 'Light Rainfall causes heavy traffic, Is Delhi ready?' I think my Grandma winning the Malaysian Grand Prix is more believable then these media allegations. I'd urge everyone to not care for what the media thinks, they scarcely do it anyway.




Also, many athletes have been pulling out of the Games, mostly due to security concerns. Unbelievable really, because Delhi is going to be a fortress during the Games. Being a Delhiite, you can tell that the preparations are in place already. They have started frisking each and every person on metro stations again and the Police forces have never been so visible before with patrols and barricades in each and every corner of the city. Even the forces from the borders are being withdrawn to beef up the security. So anyone having security concerns, can go jack off to their own genitals! Especially Australian ex-swimmer Dawn Fraser, who recently advised Australian athletes to boycott the Games because of apparent lack of security. Shes talking big for someone who hasn't even had a look at the preparations. Doesn't make for a pretty picture...But we'd all love to 'hang' her anyway...Eh? :P
Anyway, with re-assurances from Sonia Gandhi and Manmohan Singh that action will be taken against the corruption charges after the Games, it's time to move on. All we can do is just hope preparations go on well and the Games are a huge Success. I can't even fathom the splendid impact it will have on the Economy of the country. Best of wishes to all my friends who cleared interviews to be Volunteers to the athletes during the games. Especially the male ones who are gonna be assistants to the female athletes :P.



Moving on though, a lot has been happening in cricket too. Seriously, what was Randiv thinking? Denying Sehwag a century? Maybe they don't take us seriously when we say that cricket is our religion. Sehwag undeniably is a demi-god now :P. Ofcourse it was gonna be a huge controversy (courtesy our hugely celebrated media :P :|) and ofcourse he was gonna face some punishment (courtesy the muscle flexing by our Cricket Board :P). But I hope it does not ruin the unity between SLC and BCCI and the rest of the sub-continent, or the Australian and English Boards would be quick to widen the slightest crack.
There has also been much deliberation about Yuvraj's form and whether he deserves a place in the test side. I even see the fans making fun at his expense. A little hypocritical, don't you think? I mean if you can tell yourself that Yuvraj was not your 'favoritest' person in the whole world when he literally buried Andrew Flintoff and his ego when he hit Broad for half a dozen sixes all over the park, If you can say that you were not proud of being a cricket fan then, then go ahead, atleast from me you have an official license to go and Nuke him. If not, SHUT UP! Coz I'm not fluent in Idiot. Do you know how many times he has been out with injury during the past one year? Instead of backing him up, what do the selectors do? They drop him. We don't need a Shane Bond or Andrew Flintoff in our team, both players missing out on great careers due to lack of support from their boards due to frequent injury problems. Yuvraj deserves a place in every Indian side as of now. He deserves it more than any of the other youngsters.
What becomes off him when he is fully fit remains to be seen.



What else? Hey..I saw this movie recently, 8 seconds. It is based on the true story of late bull rider Lane Frost. Nice movie (The title of the post is a quote from the movie). Also do check out this movie called The Color Purple. It's really an old one directed by Steven Spielberg and also stars Oprah Winfrey. The theme of the movie deals with the condition of black women in early 20th century. Only the third movie after Titanic and Swades that made me a teeny-weeny bit senti, so I'd suggest the ladies that they keep their tissues handy :P.

Wow, has this been a long post? I didn't really notice and don't you dare blame me! I'm writing after such a long gap! And anyway My Mums been calling me for sometime now, I'd better bounce and check whats up. OK, this is me Signing off, I'm Kunwar Krishna Khurana and I approve this post :D.

PS-I hope Ray William Johnson doesn't sue me for the ending :P.

Top 10 Reasons/Events my childhood was hilariously loserish...

1)Till age 12, I was so tiny that I had to literally climb on to the backseat of a two-wheeler.

2)I loved eating Mango duet, just coz I thought it was Mango 'Dude' and not Mango duet.

3)On my very first day training at Hari Nagar Sports Complex, my balls got busted two times and I did not even know what an L-guard was, forget wearing it.

4)On the very same day, in an attempt to make a catch look dramatic, I dived for it and rolled a couple of times. When I got up I was on the other side of the boundary rope.

5)I used to play games like KhoKho, Langdi Tang, Kabaddi during my summer holidays with girls, their aunties and a couple of guyz, who are popularly established as gays today. Thankfully, I was rescued by cricket in time, to have that company any effect on me.

6)Since my childhood, I have this really huge phobia of only one thing, Lizzards. Although the fear has subsided over the years, I jumped like a clown yesterday when a lizzard passed over my foot.

7)While practice one day, I bumped my knee into this sharp stone that was lying on the field. It was a pretty serious injury which resulted in nine stitches and a loose plaster. When I was being carried home, I was crying not because it hurt too much, but coz I was thinking what possible explanation will I give to my father?

8)Jugal Hansraj, used to be my favourite actor. WHY GOD WHYY?


9)I believed my Pop could do magic. Everynight after dinner, he took out a Frooti out of the Refrigerator, spoke some Magic words and whoosh it was in his hands. When he was out of stock, he just said that it was the day for devils and he was forbidden to do magic.

10)I had some strange impression that my father worked for the CID. And my friends blindly believed that shit. In 3rd standard, I asked him about it and to his wide displeasure, was disappointed to know that he just run a finance company.

The Different Sentiments...

1)I am not amused, I am sitting in the institute and Dhruv, after provoking me and receiving a rather insulting reply, has reverted to high degree profanities for me. His female friends are all ears for it, and I'm staring and smiling at Rahul. I'm rather helpless, coz every inch of my body is itching to get up and punch him hard, what I usually do, but I don't want my promise to my mother to be shortlived. I don't care for the Teacher much. I do not want to fuel a fight by speaking up, but Dhruv is already telling me that he'd teach me some lesson during the recess. Rahul tells him to stop or he'll be stretched out at the back of his car when the class ends. He has stopped and I'm to concentrate on the board.

2)I am rather surprised, but not pleasantly. I was conversing with my cousin, 3 years younger than me and was commenting on the group of girls she hung out with. I had heard a lot of tasteless murmur about those girls and I tried to warn my Aunt as I did not want her to fall in the same category. The conversation suddenly shifted to my class 12th board marks and she, obviously irritated, told me that the aggregate I had secured did not have great value and I'd hardly be able to get admission in a good DU college. If I say that I'm not shocked and sad, then I'd be lying. The girl had always respected me and she had made an attempt to speak it in such a way, that would insult and upset me. Well kids do grow up enough to shoot back at you someday. It was my turn to speak and I first made a very sarcastic and rude remark that nobody among her paternal or maternal relatives would ever have managed to boast of such a percentage (Obviously I made it sound really insulting in Hindi.) Then I asked her if her percentage bordered more on the thirties or the forties last semester. Then I slammed the door and walked out of the house, My Aunt calling after me all the while...

3)I am shivering in the heat, I just avoided an accident man....The signals were all screwed, from Rajouri to Tilak Ngr metro station, showing the red and blinking green and yellow signals at the same time. The traffic had gone haywire. I was taking a left turn when a car rushed by at high speed just in front of me and I had to hit the brakes hard. I avoided accident with the car but I heard a screeching sound and looked left and saw a blueline coming at some speed 10 mtrs away. Paralysed I just kept looking, not able to do anything but that. I wasn't even wearing a helmet. The blueline stopped about a feet away from me. It took my heart 10 seconds to start beating again. It would sound corny but it was the nearest death experience I'd had.
I raced the bike and drove away....This incident really did scare the shit out of me. I vow to wear a helmet from now onwards. No guarantee about the time I would continue doing that though.